What am I happy about?

During briefing, I always found myself having difficulty to answer that particular question.

Whats that question?

"Tell us one thing that you're happy about today"

Well... it seems easy to answer but I just cant think of any.... happy that im still alive but barely breathing?

Its easy to say anything becuase no one will know how I really feel... but.... I cant even lie to myself.

I have no idea why I'm feeling this way but nothing's going smoothly. I cant make up my mind and have no courage to take my leave. "What will happen after i leave?" I'm afraid that the cold hard truth will be too cruel that I cant take it...

Why did you drop such text after so long of not replying? Why are you not cherishing whatever you had until I did this? Why does it seems to be my fault? Why am I feeling this way when I know the 2 of you are meeting? Whats wrong with me?

Why is it that you can take your time out for her but not me?

There's so many times that I almost did it but I stopped. Why cant any of you understand? Why am I putting in so much effort for nothing?

It's not easy

You guys told me not to bottle things up but when I needed someone to be there, who's listening to my sorrows? All those promises you guys made. "I promise I'll be there whenever you need someone, need a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on." Those empty promises.. I'm sick of it. When can it be my turn when I could just spit it out? Just because I bottle things up doesn't mean that I'm that "strong". I can't live with all these empty promises. I can't possibly listen and help out with you guys but I end up suffering. I may be those straight forward type and you all know about it. But why cant i be myself and express how I feel? Why do I have to think before I say nowadays? I'm no longer being myself. All you say to me is "Don't be too harsh on him. He'll get hurt." "I won't know what to do if one day he tell me that he hate you" "He's a very sensitive person so try to rephrase your sentence" Seriously?! Have you guys thought a bit for me? Just a bit. I'm not that emotionless. I do get hurt too. Why do I have to do things as you all wanted and not being who I am? What's the point of being friends if you can't accept me? Can someone just understand me?

Break down

To him: It can never be easy. I know that you're a very sensitive person. I am too~ From the way you replied and shutting me out, I tendo over think. "Are you pissed with me? Why? " You aren't giving me any answers but left me hanging. I know you need time to think but I'm dying from those waiting. And all the others tell me, is to wait. I've never felt so lost. Like I can't be myself and I have to think of the ways to talk to you and find out the reason why you are acting like this. It's really tiring. You needed time and I need it too. What can I do to make it up? What can I do so that you won't react the same way again?

To her: It's really good after talking to you after such a long time. When was the last time we even text? It just feels like I'm no longer the one you care anymore. I feel neglected but there's nothing I could do instead of keeping it to myself because I assume that you're not interested at all. But looks like I'm wrong. You're still the one whom I've known. It's really great to talk to you and clear things up. But still, I feel different when ever you prioritise them instead of us. He may be a good friend but I just can't accept it. Can we be the same? Can we spend more time and not leaving half way through the chatting?

To you: Why would I wanna give them a reason to meet up together? What's the point of having a reason to meet up? I don't see the point of telling them the reason. Why can't we just head out for no reason?

It can be really tiring and it's really too much for me to handle. However, it's worth it right? I can't afford to lose right now. 

Blur Blur's 21st

Happy 21st Birthday!!
I hope you enjoyed and the plan wasn't failed.
I believe you love the gifts so keep it well ya~
Hehehehhe ♡♡♡

Lost

07 Feb 2014
I lose a friend today. A very close one. I have no idea why is he feeling this way and why is he pushing us away becuz of the past? I didnt choose u as my friend becuz of ur background. I could've just treated u as a normal classmate and stop thinking of ways to pull this friendship. Its like here we are trying to save a ship but yet u chose to let it drown. Without one's effort, how does the rest of us get the strength to support this ship? I cant just let it go so all i could do now is just to give u time and get back to us just like how u used to.

Fate.

When something happened, we always blame the world. When it comes to family/friends, things wont be smooth all the times. Sometimes, I'll blame too. Why do I know you? Why did you appear in my life?
I believe that I'm not the only one who think this way. Thinking back, it's fate which bring us together. Some will stay with us till the end and some will teach us how to grow up. Friends who came but went off. They choose to abandon this friendship. Don't dislike/hate them because they are a part of your memories. It's a precious lesson that no one will face the same thing as you. One day, when you find yourself able to smile to them again, that's when you know you've grown up. When you face obstacles, don't give up, let it be a bridge that you need to cross over and things will be fine. I'm in the process of learning. Learning how to take things easy and enjoy this journey.

Hate misunderstandings.

I dun like to be misunderstood. I mean... U can ask properly and make sure tt wad u said are true and with evidence. Why must ppl say tt I steal things?! Just packing a goodie bags for the freshies and some other SL took the stuff doesn't give u a reason to raise ur voice at me becuz I'm not the one. That also doesn't give u a reason to stare at me. No, to watch my every move. I can buy things which are much better than all thise stuff with my own money. It is fucking unfair. I'm not the one but I'm actually getting all this shit for nth. This isn't the first time.

I remember when I went to S house and he said he wanted to show me the BB photo book tt his sister bought for him, he said 'dun steal hor, I know u like it a lot' it's like wtf. I can buy it myself. Why do I have to steal it from u? That's when I just put the book aside and thought 'am I this kind of person to u?'

People should stop all this nonsense. It is very unfair to ppl who didn't do anything wrong. Doesn't mean tt poorer people will steal and the rich are the only ones who can afford everything.