What am I happy about?

During briefing, I always found myself having difficulty to answer that particular question.

Whats that question?

"Tell us one thing that you're happy about today"

Well... it seems easy to answer but I just cant think of any.... happy that im still alive but barely breathing?

Its easy to say anything becuase no one will know how I really feel... but.... I cant even lie to myself.

I have no idea why I'm feeling this way but nothing's going smoothly. I cant make up my mind and have no courage to take my leave. "What will happen after i leave?" I'm afraid that the cold hard truth will be too cruel that I cant take it...

Why did you drop such text after so long of not replying? Why are you not cherishing whatever you had until I did this? Why does it seems to be my fault? Why am I feeling this way when I know the 2 of you are meeting? Whats wrong with me?

Why is it that you can take your time out for her but not me?

There's so many times that I almost did it but I stopped. Why cant any of you understand? Why am I putting in so much effort for nothing?

It's not easy

You guys told me not to bottle things up but when I needed someone to be there, who's listening to my sorrows? All those promises you guys made. "I promise I'll be there whenever you need someone, need a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on." Those empty promises.. I'm sick of it. When can it be my turn when I could just spit it out? Just because I bottle things up doesn't mean that I'm that "strong". I can't live with all these empty promises. I can't possibly listen and help out with you guys but I end up suffering. I may be those straight forward type and you all know about it. But why cant i be myself and express how I feel? Why do I have to think before I say nowadays? I'm no longer being myself. All you say to me is "Don't be too harsh on him. He'll get hurt." "I won't know what to do if one day he tell me that he hate you" "He's a very sensitive person so try to rephrase your sentence" Seriously?! Have you guys thought a bit for me? Just a bit. I'm not that emotionless. I do get hurt too. Why do I have to do things as you all wanted and not being who I am? What's the point of being friends if you can't accept me? Can someone just understand me?

Break down

To him: It can never be easy. I know that you're a very sensitive person. I am too~ From the way you replied and shutting me out, I tendo over think. "Are you pissed with me? Why? " You aren't giving me any answers but left me hanging. I know you need time to think but I'm dying from those waiting. And all the others tell me, is to wait. I've never felt so lost. Like I can't be myself and I have to think of the ways to talk to you and find out the reason why you are acting like this. It's really tiring. You needed time and I need it too. What can I do to make it up? What can I do so that you won't react the same way again?

To her: It's really good after talking to you after such a long time. When was the last time we even text? It just feels like I'm no longer the one you care anymore. I feel neglected but there's nothing I could do instead of keeping it to myself because I assume that you're not interested at all. But looks like I'm wrong. You're still the one whom I've known. It's really great to talk to you and clear things up. But still, I feel different when ever you prioritise them instead of us. He may be a good friend but I just can't accept it. Can we be the same? Can we spend more time and not leaving half way through the chatting?

To you: Why would I wanna give them a reason to meet up together? What's the point of having a reason to meet up? I don't see the point of telling them the reason. Why can't we just head out for no reason?

It can be really tiring and it's really too much for me to handle. However, it's worth it right? I can't afford to lose right now. 

Blur Blur's 21st

Happy 21st Birthday!!
I hope you enjoyed and the plan wasn't failed.
I believe you love the gifts so keep it well ya~
Hehehehhe ♡♡♡

Lost

07 Feb 2014
I lose a friend today. A very close one. I have no idea why is he feeling this way and why is he pushing us away becuz of the past? I didnt choose u as my friend becuz of ur background. I could've just treated u as a normal classmate and stop thinking of ways to pull this friendship. Its like here we are trying to save a ship but yet u chose to let it drown. Without one's effort, how does the rest of us get the strength to support this ship? I cant just let it go so all i could do now is just to give u time and get back to us just like how u used to.

Fate.

When something happened, we always blame the world. When it comes to family/friends, things wont be smooth all the times. Sometimes, I'll blame too. Why do I know you? Why did you appear in my life?
I believe that I'm not the only one who think this way. Thinking back, it's fate which bring us together. Some will stay with us till the end and some will teach us how to grow up. Friends who came but went off. They choose to abandon this friendship. Don't dislike/hate them because they are a part of your memories. It's a precious lesson that no one will face the same thing as you. One day, when you find yourself able to smile to them again, that's when you know you've grown up. When you face obstacles, don't give up, let it be a bridge that you need to cross over and things will be fine. I'm in the process of learning. Learning how to take things easy and enjoy this journey.

Hate misunderstandings.

I dun like to be misunderstood. I mean... U can ask properly and make sure tt wad u said are true and with evidence. Why must ppl say tt I steal things?! Just packing a goodie bags for the freshies and some other SL took the stuff doesn't give u a reason to raise ur voice at me becuz I'm not the one. That also doesn't give u a reason to stare at me. No, to watch my every move. I can buy things which are much better than all thise stuff with my own money. It is fucking unfair. I'm not the one but I'm actually getting all this shit for nth. This isn't the first time.

I remember when I went to S house and he said he wanted to show me the BB photo book tt his sister bought for him, he said 'dun steal hor, I know u like it a lot' it's like wtf. I can buy it myself. Why do I have to steal it from u? That's when I just put the book aside and thought 'am I this kind of person to u?'

People should stop all this nonsense. It is very unfair to ppl who didn't do anything wrong. Doesn't mean tt poorer people will steal and the rich are the only ones who can afford everything.

Someone save me pls.

For this past few months, things are going smoothly. In fact, happy and fun. With all the sem 2 awesome people I have. But this happiness just won't last. Things between the clique seems to change. Why is it that things just can't remain the same? The worse thing is, even secondary school cliques are facing problems too.

I remember someone(P) used to ask me 'Among the clique, who can u trust the most? Who will u tell ur secrets to?' And I said J. But come to think of it now, I can trust nobody. Sometimes things tt u say can be hurtful but u'll nvr realise . If words can kill, u've killed at least a hundred. Why can't u just think before u say?

Sometimes I wonder, why are u gals laughing at me? Is it my fault to grow like this? Do I want all this? NO!! Put urself into my shoes and feel how I'm feeling!! U all will nvr understand.

I HAVE THE URGE TO LEAVE THIS PLACE. I DUN WANNA BE HERE.

My dreams...

They said "happy moments passed quickly". Is tt so? For the past 17years of my life, it was like a dream. Spent time with my precious family and friends. I finally understand wad meant. There's a lot of things tt i wished to do and wished to have it. But the thing tt i need the most is TIME. It is something tt every one need it and the would be happy to have it under their control?

First, I wish to travel around the world to places like Korea, Paris, LasVegas, London and many more!! I'm always envious when my friends go overseas with their family especially when I havent experience taking a plane before... All I can do is to visit google and look at those beautiful places.

Second, I would like to buy myself some pretty dresses, shorts, shoes, shirts and bags. Isn't tt wad ppl always want? Other than tt, I would like to own an iPod. lways dreaming tt I can have a huge house waiting for me to live in and a car for me to drive when I get my license.

Third, sometimes, wouldn't it be a dream if polaroid films are free?! I can pratically take every picture using polaroid!! I can snap any picture I want and dun have to even print it out.

Last, I wish to let my parents to live a good life. They dun have to worry abt anything. I wish to open a bank account for them to buy anything they want to and I'll always deposit money for them.

But all this wont take place if I dun save up any money. So, I fall back hard to the reality and woke up from my dream. Every thing will have an end and my beautiful dream just burst. In order to fulfil my dream, I need to work hard. There is no free lunch in this world. Remember?

Mixed feelings

How am I suppose to feel right now? Happy or sad?

It's a good thing to change class every semester because if u dun really like some one in the class, u won't have to see his/her face again during the next sem. However, I'm gonna face all the same old thing again  and again... Mixing with different group of new classmates and get to know them for another 15 weeks then change class again for the next 3 years... What about those few of them who I really like hanging out with? It seems to be a good and a bad thing... But wad can I do? At least I dun have to see some of their face anymore. Those little ups and downs tt we've gone thru tgt.

Although i drag my feet to sku everyday, they're the ones who make me feel tt the modules are fun and make my life in RP happier in some ways. I think I'm gonna miss them..

Bye BURDEN CLASS!!

Another thing is... The feeling when u know tt u're gonna lose someone who's close to u... I've nvr tot of this before but the moment I knew, I was shocked and was awaked. Why is this happening? Why is every one leaving one by one? When u kept it as a secret but u just knew tt I'll find the ans myself.
What should I do?

Why am I so easily affected?

If I didn't ask, I won't know. However, I regretted asking... It hurts so much. WG played this game in class asking the guys which girl would they kill and almost all of them said me... Am I really tt bad? Or split personality? I would really like to know the reason but it just hurt me deeply... I'm just too stupid to have placed friends in the first/second in my heart.

Can't help it:(

Since when did I learn to bottle up everything? What am I afraid of? Being betrayed? I tot I should get used to it alr? Why do I get so affected easily?!

U have corrupted my mind and I just can't seems to take u out~ can u walk out of my mind rather than me, wishing to chase u off but I can't. Everything just seems to be like a dream.. None of it are real... I tot i've alr forgotten but why did u appear again and stay in my heart? Getting crazy over in front of them.. Tt's not the way it should be!!

I. Just. Wish. That. You. Will. Be. Fine.

Fear

I kept everything to myself, not because I dont trust you, it's because I'm afraid that u wont bother.
I didn't talk to u, not because I have nth to tell u, it's because I'm afraid that u are not interested.
I didn't look at u, not because I don't wanna see u, it's because I'm afraid that I cant take my eyes of u.
All of my actions are caused by my fear.
I'm thinking too negatively?
Have u ever looked at me?
Have u ever talked to me?
Have u ever trusted to me?

Hey!!
I didn't want my problem to become ur burden.
I want u to be my friend.
A friend to share all my thoughts with.
Do u know?

best regards,
Me 

Me!!:)

This is me everyday!!:)

Start of UT

It's the start of UT and as usual... I didn't study.. But it's open laptop!! Hahahaha!!! Is it still counted as test? It's really tiring and I've not been sleeping well lately due to insomnia.... One thing I really like the lesson to say is cuz there's no presentation even though it's Ang mo faci...

I really love my room now cuz I've just packed my study table and it's really neat and I've got motivation!! Heheheh!!

What do u want?!

Seriously, why do u block me on twitter? Did i do anything to u? I didnt't even complain to u tt i feel stress with u! After all ur emo tweets then u block me? I didn't even block/unfollower u cuz of this! Do u have anything against me? Talk to me face to face!! WTH... wad a 'friend'?

I'm not in a good mood... Why does things happen all in a time? Sometimes, I just feel like giving up... No motivation at all.... This isn't what i want.

Good Times :)

Stayed over at Lynette's house last night with Joey, Jin and Rui. Miss those good old days with them. Although our plan was to talk all night, they fell asleep while watching 'The walking dead'. Before sleeping, we chat and had a guitar session. We woke up at around 10+ and went for breakfast at macs. Time flies when I'm having fun. I hope to meet up with them more often :)

The worse day in RP...

I've nvr tot tt this will happen to me. It's my first time since i enter RP, or i should say, ever since I can remember anything, this is the first time i ever teared thrice a day. The reason is nth but RP!! First was in class, when i felt so useless when all of them gathered tgt to discuss about the answers during science module for the practice question. I feel it and talked to my friend about it. Nvr tot tt i will actually cry when i was telling her wad happened after I ask her wad to put in the ppt.
Was good enough to manage to meet rui and nette after school. After dinner, we went slacking. This is when I cry for the second time. I was tired and didn't want to attend school. At this point of time, stress starting occupying my mind. Why do I feel so stress when my friends are having fun and enjoying their poly life? Why is it tt every thing is just stress to me and I frown every day during lesson. When can I realy get use to the life in poly? Did i made a wrong choice goin to RP? Am I the only one with so much trouble and stress? I hope tt tml's a good day....

After so many months, I'm back blogging!!
Many things happened  recently and I've graduated from SSS, started my new poly life in RP. Made new friends in the class although there's ppl who I dun like. There's too much things I hate in this poly... Really too much.

1. Change class after every 6 months.
2. Daily grades.
3. Fixed timetable.
4. Far away from home.
5. Annoying faiclitators.
6. True colors of humans??
7. Fucking RJ, quiz and evaluation EVERYDAY!!

There's two faci who really sux to the core! OB and cognitive faci!! This freaking cognitive faci graded me C since the first lesson and show us his fucking attitude since the 2nd lesson. Hey dude!! Aren't u suppose to be more patience? We're not here to stdy ur fucking attitude so stop showing it. Don't go too far man!! If u can't do tt, then one day, u mght be facing something major. OB faci grade me a D for last week (P04) just becuz I dun really understand reinforcement theory. She insisted tt my group didn't work as a team when we did!! We know wad we're doin!! Seriosly , is this how u grade ur students? Is it my problem if u dun understand my RJ?? I'm really sick and tired of doing RJ. Does it really helps me in the future? WTF DO U WANT?!

Friends there aren't tt friendly except for a few. Those ppl I hated the most... U dun have to do it so obvious if u dun like someone.... Seriously.

Well, I have to say i really made new good friends but, we'll be separated after 6 months...
We went picnic to celebrate ChengYee's 18th birthday and camwhore at Marina Barrage. Alethea and Aisyah bought food where as I carry tt bag full of bottle drinks and even lost my way... Had lots of fun chatting and gossiping. Alethea , who always choose to walk the wrong way, chose to speak wrongly on tt day and we have to keep correcting her. ChengYee, the birthday girl, was lucky enough to have fireworks at the very last minute when we're leaving and had to bear with us, laughing at her due to her wearing "adopt me" shirt. Aisyah, who always have lots of weird questions on her mind, took lots of photos using her camera which I dun know how can she survive with her camera? It choose to take pictures when we move rather than a normal one. Finally, I took lots of UNGLAM photos of them which I always did. Overall, the picnic was successful with the gooooooood weather!! 

I have to say tt friends aren't forever. My friends used to say tt we will NEVER drift apart even if we are in different poly but... I know tt i can't cling onto the past but tt's what u guys said... Even when we're in the same poly, we drift. We have our new life, new friends and new enivonment. Eveythings freash and new. BUT I HATE POLY LIFE!! Do u know how it feel like waking up in the morning and feeling stressed to go to school? Do u know tt there's actually ppl out there whom make u feel stressed to be with? Do u know tt u used to a fast learner but u're actually nth over there? Do u feel guilty when ppl stare at u showing u a face like "hey, why are u doing nth?" Do u know the feeling when u feel extremely sian when it comes to presention which u must do it almost every fucking day? Do u know how it feels when annoying ppl keep texting and calling u evry week just to call u out? Do u know how creepy it was when someone asked u weird questions when u just known him for less than a day? DO U KNOW HOW I FEEL??? FORGET IT.. I BET U WON'T.

Emotions

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