It's not easy

You guys told me not to bottle things up but when I needed someone to be there, who's listening to my sorrows? All those promises you guys made. "I promise I'll be there whenever you need someone, need a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on." Those empty promises.. I'm sick of it. When can it be my turn when I could just spit it out? Just because I bottle things up doesn't mean that I'm that "strong". I can't live with all these empty promises. I can't possibly listen and help out with you guys but I end up suffering. I may be those straight forward type and you all know about it. But why cant i be myself and express how I feel? Why do I have to think before I say nowadays? I'm no longer being myself. All you say to me is "Don't be too harsh on him. He'll get hurt." "I won't know what to do if one day he tell me that he hate you" "He's a very sensitive person so try to rephrase your sentence" Seriously?! Have you guys thought a bit for me? Just a bit. I'm not that emotionless. I do get hurt too. Why do I have to do things as you all wanted and not being who I am? What's the point of being friends if you can't accept me? Can someone just understand me?

Break down

To him: It can never be easy. I know that you're a very sensitive person. I am too~ From the way you replied and shutting me out, I tendo over think. "Are you pissed with me? Why? " You aren't giving me any answers but left me hanging. I know you need time to think but I'm dying from those waiting. And all the others tell me, is to wait. I've never felt so lost. Like I can't be myself and I have to think of the ways to talk to you and find out the reason why you are acting like this. It's really tiring. You needed time and I need it too. What can I do to make it up? What can I do so that you won't react the same way again?

To her: It's really good after talking to you after such a long time. When was the last time we even text? It just feels like I'm no longer the one you care anymore. I feel neglected but there's nothing I could do instead of keeping it to myself because I assume that you're not interested at all. But looks like I'm wrong. You're still the one whom I've known. It's really great to talk to you and clear things up. But still, I feel different when ever you prioritise them instead of us. He may be a good friend but I just can't accept it. Can we be the same? Can we spend more time and not leaving half way through the chatting?

To you: Why would I wanna give them a reason to meet up together? What's the point of having a reason to meet up? I don't see the point of telling them the reason. Why can't we just head out for no reason?

It can be really tiring and it's really too much for me to handle. However, it's worth it right? I can't afford to lose right now.